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A couple named John and LuAnne "Doe" decided they wanted a baby, but they were unable to conceive. So they went to a fertility clinic and found a solution: an anonymous male donor and an anonymous female donor whose conceived "test tube" baby would be implanted into a surrogate mother. Everything went as planned; the surrogate mother (who was paid some $20,000) gave birth to a beautiful little girl who they named Jaycee.

"Home is Where Your Heart Is: How to Raise Perfect Kids" Jack Keating

Cicero United Methodist Church July 29, 2007 John 14: 23-24

A couple named John and LuAnne "Doe" decided they wanted a baby, but they were unable to conceive. So they went to a fertility clinic and found a solution: an anonymous male donor and an anonymous female donor whose conceived "test tube" baby would be implanted into a surrogate mother. Everything went as planned; the surrogate mother (who was paid some $20,000) gave birth to a beautiful little girl who they named Jaycee.

Unfortunately, the "Doe's" marriage became rocky and they ended in divorce. John has decided that he shouldn't have to pay child support because he is not the child's biological father. And a California judge has ruled in his favor. In fact, the judge said that since LuAnne is not the biological mother, she has no right to custody.

Jaycee is now two years old. She has no parents at all - not even the surrogate mother who gave birth to her, since they are not genetically related. As for the male and female donors, no one outside of the donor bank knows who they are and because of their request for anonymity they do not even know themselves that they have a child.

LuAnne still has custody, but refuses to pursue adoption. An appeals court may force John to take financial responsibility, but that has yet to be decided. In the meantime, it appears that little "Jaycee" is pretty much on her own.

Now some people will hear this story and conclude, "Technology will be the ruin of the human race." But I would beg to differ. Technology is not the villain of this story; the people involved are collectively playing that role. One would think that people who go to such length to become parents would take their responsibilities more seriously; but unfortunately that has not been the case.

There is a crucial element of family life that is conspicuously absent from this entire chain of events: Love. You can't help but wonder, Where is the love in this family?

Now instead of casting judgment on this couple or the California court system, we might each take a look at our own family situation. The very same element that is so desperately needed in the "Doe" household is so desperately needed on our own households as well. The key to a great family is love.

Today we're going to look at words of Jesus that weren't spoken specifically and exclusively for the family, but can certainly be applied to any family situation. Jesus said, (v.23-24) "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching ... He who does not love me will not obey my teaching."

Here is a principle that can be applied to every area of your life - it applies to your family life, your spiritual life, your marriage, your job, your church, and on and on. This is the principle: Love comes first.

When I was in my teenage years I had a job I didn't really enjoy. It was not a "career" job; I was just doing it to make some additional money. One day, when I showed up late for the third time in a week, my boss called me into his office. He said, "Jack, it's obvious you don't care anything about me, my business or your job." I answered, "That's not true. I love this job." (My fingers were crossed when I said it.) My boss replied, "I'm sorry, but I know that you don't. If you loved this job you would show up on time." I guess I didn't realize at the time just how wise my boss was. Most employers would have attacked my "lack of character" and would have told me that I was lazy and undisciplined. Not this guy. He just said, "Anything you love you will give yourself to 100%." We then spent a few minutes talking about the job and I began to realize a few things I hadn't thought about before. It really was a good job. I was earning pretty good money (for a college student). I enjoyed the people I worked with, and I really did like my boss. In fact, I suddenly realized that this was a great job, and I was lucky to have it. Just as quickly as my attitude changed, my work habits changed. I began showing up on time. I learned the Love comes first. The key to growing in obedience is growing in love.

All parents want their children to be well-behaved. But some, however, are more successful than others in getting this result. Different parents use different strategies, and it seems you can witness their efforts at any family restaurant. Or just listen to the way they get their kids to clean their room. Or come and sit in my office next year for our Vacation Bible School and you can hear all these things right outside in the hallway. Have you ever noticed the different type approaches they use?

• Some parents beg: "Please, will you eat your food? Please will you clean your room? Please will you do your homework? Please, will you do it for Mommy?"

• Some parents approach the situation like Frank Burns on the old MASH TV show would. Their attitude is "We're going to get some discipline in this camp!" And all conversations are reduced to orders, ultimatums and threats: "Eat your food, or there will be no dessert!... Clean up your room or I'll throw you out of the house!... Do your homework, and I mean right this minute!" and while kids will obey these type of orders, it's only because you're bigger than they are. A word of warning: be careful how you phrase your orders, because they might do exactly what you say. One mother even told her son, "eat every piece of meat on your plate" - and he did! But, of course, that's all he ate of the meal.
• Other parents use guilt to get their children to mind: "I can't believe that after I work my fingers to the bone and bring you to this nice restaurant you repay me by playing with your salad. I don't know why I do the things I do for you. I spent $500 buying you school clothes and you can't even bring yourself to carry your laundry up the stairs." Implied, but not said is, "You're a bad person and a major disappointment to me."

• Others try the art of persuasion. They're not going to come right out and make their kids do anything; they just try to talk them into it: "Don't you want to eat your corn? It's so good for you. It'll make you strong. You'll feel so much better when your room is clean. Don't you think cleaning your room is the right thing to do?"

• Other parents use role models: "I'll be Michael Jordan eats all of his oatmeal." Of course, the totally ineffective derivative of this strategy is to use a sibling as the shining example. "Your brother, Johnny gets good grades. Your brother keeps his room clean. Don't you want to be like him?" (My mother was smart enough never to try to use this one on me.)
• Then there's the pragmatic approach. This one wasn't used on me either, but I wish it had been. It's the old standby - bribery. "Here, kid. Here's $10 bucks. Finish your mashed potatoes and go clean your room ... And if you get all A's on your report card there's another $20 bucks in it for you."

Parents try all these different methods to get their children to act the way that they should, with varying degrees of success, when all along Jesus tells us exactly what it takes to be obedient. His words apply to our relationship to him the same as our relationship to our children.

In your spiritual life, if you've got obedience problems - if you're not following Jesus the way you should - the problem resides in your heart. How much do you love him? The more you love him, the more you'll obey him.

When children don't obey their parents the way they should, the solution is not a stricter form of punishment. We've all worked for a boss like one I used to have whose office philosophy often seemed to be "The beatings will stop when the moral improves!" The solution is that kids need to grow in love, and learn to act in a loving way. The more children learn to love, the more they will learn to obey.

Now do children need to live in a disciplined environment? Of course they do. Do they need rules? Absolutely. There must be clear lines drawn by the parents so that kids learn the difference between right and wrong and know exactly what is expected of them. And they need to know that they get to obey these rules, not out of guilt or fear or intimidation, but out of love.

When our kids were little we tried to teach them over and over again, "You don't treat people you love in a hateful manner. You don't say mean things to someone you love. If you love your brother, (or your sister), then treat him in a loving way." Now, because they were typical kids, they had their share of squabbles. We, in the Keating house, were not the "Ozzie and Harriet Show" or even "Father Knows Best". But neither were we the "Simpsons". The primary rule we have in our house is that we love one another, and we try to act in a loving way toward one another. The best way to teach children obedience is to teach them that Love Comes First, and the way you act stems out of the way you love.

But we also need to remember, of course, that kids are kids, and they're going to make mistakes. When they do, don't accuse them of not loving you, or you might just catch yourself saying things like, "You don't love me or you wouldn't put your socks in your underwear drawer." Instead, when they make a mistake, show them how to act in a loving way.

This makes the parents' job much more difficult, because it means you also have to pay attention to the way you treat your spouse, and the way you treat your children, and you have to watch every word that comes out of your mouth. Quite frankly, it's a lot easier to bark out orders. But it's much more effective to lead your children in the way of love.

St Augustine summed up the life of obedience in this way: "Love God, and do whatever you want." And I think he meant that if you love God, your behavior will take care of itself. If you love God you won't want to sin against him. If you love God, you will obey him. Jesus said the same thing: "If you love me, you will obey me." And it works at home, too. If you teach your children to love their parents and love one another, you probably won't have major disciplinary problems. Sure, you will have to correct them from time to time, and you might even have to restore order on occasion, but you won't have to live with constant bickering and turmoil. You will find that when love comes first, it makes a difference in the way the members of your family treat one another.

So here are three suggestions you might use to help your family grow in love, and help your children to be more obedient.

1. Do things together. And this involves more than just being in the same room with them. Actually do something. Play a game. Play catch. Clean the garage. Go to the mall. When you participate together in activities that you both enjoy, it reminds you both, "This is a person I love and I really want to spend time with."

2 Move to the middle. Whatever parental tendency you have on the strictness scale, move in the other direction. If you're a drill sergeant, lighten up a bit. Give them some breathing room. And if you have a tendency to be too lenient, then don't be afraid to lay down the law when necessary.

In a recent Bible Study group one person said to the group, "My parents were so strict on me that as soon as I got out of the house I went wild." Another person said, "My parents gave me no boundaries at all, and when I moved out of the house I didn't know how to make good choices, so I went wild." Maybe the parents of both of these folks needed to temper their parenting style with love. When you do that, you'll find yourself moving toward the middle. And when you move toward the middle, the children often find it easier to do what is right.

3. Give them a chance to practice. Dads can say to the kids, "You know how much we all love Mom; let's cook dinner for her." Or you might say to your son, "Let's go to the mall... and buy something for your sister." Let them find opportunities to act in a loving way toward the other members of the family.

Jesus taught us an important principle to live by: Love comes first. You want your children to be more obedient? Love comes first. You want your marriage to be stronger? Love comes first. You want this church to continue to grow and reach out to more people for Christ? Love comes first. The way you act stems from the way you love. So if you're struggling with obedience in any area of your life, learn to love more. Grow in love and you'll surely grow in obedience.

In her book, The Wheel of Life, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote: "I've never met a person whose greatest need was anything more than real unconditional love. There's no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame the heats our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other."

I pray that beginning this week you too might enjoy that connection to God, to one another, and to your kids ... no matter their age or the distance between you. I pray that you too might have your spirit energized and your life made full of passion by the God who sent his Son to remind all his children that Love comes first. AMEN.